I have been depressive since I was 19, and I am now 37. I know it's more physiological than psychological - I'm a relatively well adjusted grown up, with a good job, a steady income, a nice place to live, and a wonderful almost-eight year old son. I do also have an ex-husband, and ex-religion and some family issues, but I suspect not much more than anyone else!
I recently met a wonderful man who I clicked with in an instant. It was like talking to my clone, only a male...well, OK, not a clone then, but the yin to my yang, the black to my white, the night to my day. Together, we seemed complete. I heard this from him as well - it was like we'd known each other forever. We contemplated a long life together, discussed next years holidays, and moving in together and met each others kids and seemed to get their approval. His family and friends commented that they hadn't seen him this happy in a very long time, and I was expecting a long and extremely happy life with this fabulous man.
Now, the strange part about this is that we met each other online, and met each other in person three weeks later, and were only together for one week following that. But the connection was amazingly strong, and we were saying the "L" word to each other on the 2nd day we actually clapped eyes on each other - I suspect I'd already fallen in love before we even met, and he told me he really had too.
We had a fabulous Friday night of our first week... then came Saturday. My depression gave me a jolt, and I had what I call a 'black day' - just moping around, sleepy, grumpy, snapping at people (mainly him) and just generally being a miserable bitch. My 'black days' occur every 2 months or so, and last for 2 or 3 days at a time. I will admit - I am no fun to live with at those times.
Anyway, so I went from receiving around 10 contacts a day from him (text, phone and skype) to none. And none the next day either. You can imagine I was becoming just a tiny bit frantic.
Then, the bombshell. He had only just got out of a relationship with a depressive woman, and my 'black day' convinced him that the relationship with me was not going to work either.
I was devastated, angry, betrayed. I was looking at forever with this man - I was prepared to put up with some of his baggage. Surely he should be prepared to put up with some of mine. However, I was only devastated, angry and betrayed for a very short while. Soon, I started thinking that if it was depression that caused him to leave me, then I would have to combat that to get him back. But I was confused - I've had depression for over 20 years - how was I going to get rid of it that easily??
Then I started to draw some logical conclusions. My depression is mostly physiological - its not usually triggered by any emotional state. So, if I have depression that is really only physiological, then it must be caused by something. But what? I'd previously done a Glucose Tolerance Test and found I was Hypoglycemic. On checking out what Hypoglycemia involves, I was very surprised to find that it creates a whole pile of other conditions as well, including depression.
There were four indicators of Hypoglycemia and anyone showing three of them was thought to have the condition. I showed four.
So, as a result of my researches, I am planning to combat my Hypoglycemia and, in turn, do away with my depression. I am really quite excited by the prospect - after suffering 20 years of black days, I'd love to see a future horizon without them. I'd gotten used to them being part of my life, but now I think I can see a future without them, and that makes me very excited. It can take between 9 and 14 months to tidy up the mess inside one's head caused by hypoglycemia, so its not going to be a short journey, but it should be a fantastically fulfilling one.
Sunday 24 July is Day 1 of my new life. I need a few days to clean up some old mess from my old life, so Sunday it is. I'm going to use this blog to let you know how I'm faring, to drop the odd bit of info on hypoglycemia and its related nasties, and hopefully tell you how good it feels to be depression-free.
Oh, and just so you know, I am also going to try to get the guy back. Our connection was way too strong to let it go over something that might not even be an issue a year from now. Not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but I am going to. I'll keep you informed on that front as well.
Until next blog, stay well and happy.
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